I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
