billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
