unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Boobs are out for the taking
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
