i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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