I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
