I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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