Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I believe in your delicious
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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