I wish I could punch you in the face.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
