I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
