i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
