His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
