he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
That reminds me...we need to get swords
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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