I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
