no, he came in my armpit
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
