Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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