I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
