cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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