the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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