so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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