He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he thought i was a dude.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
