you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
