why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
