Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
