dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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