so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
