You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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