Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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