Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
