If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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