If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
