Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
