Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
