did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
