My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
