when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
