I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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