My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
