i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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