He kissed a someone with a penis
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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