Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
