I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Bring me that man meat
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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