If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
