**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
