I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
