Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I checked into jail on foursquare
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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