You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
