The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
