i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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