Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
