If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The beer is more important than you right now.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
