I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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