hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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