Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
